The Hat Came Back
by IMBSA
Summary: When a man was unsure if he could return home after a boy's night out, How would he know it was safe? He threw his hat within the door. If the hat came back, he wasn't welcome inside. Usually. Oneshot. AU UraYoru, GinRan, Shunao, HitsuHina, IchiRuki


The Hat Came Back

IMBSA: I know, I know, you're all waiting for me to update The Highwayman—and I will! I promise! …Just as soon as I crank out this oneshot on Yoruichi/Urahara. Once again, I need to stop listening to my old CDs.

Disclaimer: "There are sober men a-plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men who're over ninety and have never yet kissed a girl! But give me a ramblin' rover, Frae Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the country over and together we'll face the world!"

IMBSA: In the ilk of The Highwayman, this is a sort-of-not-really songfic to the song "The Hat Came Back" by Empty Hats. AU and set in the pages of history, we now follow Kisuke Urahara and his adventures with a bucket hat (before bucket hats were invented, no less!) Once again, historical inaccuracies will be given to Jinta in hopes that the little prick will burn his fingers off. I apologize if my pairings offend you; I'm just used to het.

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Saturday nights in the small town of Seretei were specials ones, always set aside as "Excuses to Get Wasted," regardless of the services to be attended the next day. Nearly the entire populace took advantage of the copious amounts of alcohol that the proprietors of the Bouncing Bosom, the local tavern, (one of whom had a particularly large set of, erm, _kegs_) managed to acquire throughout the week. Some, like the town drunk, Kyouraku Shunsui, never seemed to leave the place, much to the exasperation of those like the wife of said drunk, Nanao. Others, like the intimidating blacksmith Zaraki Kenpachi, only popped in for a few drinks before leaving to find entertainment elsewhere (usually in fights provoked at the tavern in Kenny's case). There was a third set of people, often talked about but never present, who never set foot in a place with a sordid reputation like the Bouncing Bosom, including the magistrate, Kuchiki Byakuya (whose sister abandoned that absentee status when she married one Kurosaki Ichigo), the pastor, Aizen Sousuke (though rumor had it that he was involved in activities that would put even the Bosom to shame), and newlywed, newly moved Hitsugaya Toshirou (who usually preferred to stay at home with his expectant wife, Momo, rather than "make a fool out of himself"). Urahara Kisuke, whose story this is, was somewhere in the middle. He neither drank too much nor too little, though the revelry occasionally ended in a heap in the gutter. Unfortunately for him, this was a night akin to the latter type.

Kisuke arrived at the Bouncing Bosom just when the afternoon was beginning to transition into evening, around 5 o' clock, and took his normal seat at the bar, next to Ichigo, who already had a drink in his hand. Ordinarily, Urahara's wife, Yoruichi, was with him, but she had decided that planning Momo's celebration for a new addition to Hitsugaya's family was more important. Toshirou's wife had that naïve air which had that effect on people. In fact, that was why Ichigo's usual drinking partner was absent as well; Rukia had seen the frazzled Momo earlier that morning and had agreed to assist her. Renji had yet to come, leaving the orange-haired journeyman silversmith alone until the green-clad man had chosen to turn up. Before Urahara could greet him, Ichigo muttered, "Oh good, you're here. Maybe you could stop Frazzled Father from trying to match Kyouraku for drinks."

Urahara tilted his head and leaned back to see beyond Kurosaki at the hunched form of bespectacled Ishida Uryuu, whose bandaged fingers were turning over shot after shot. He had already had five children with Orihime, but with a sixth on the way, one could understand his despair. He was already wobbling where he sat and only Shunsui's occasional hardy pat on the back kept him balanced. Kisuke sat forward. "I dunno, Kurosaki-kun, I think he's doing fine."

Ichigo snorted. "Right. He needs to come out more often. Maybe then he won't have so many brats. Inoue," he had a habit of referring to Ishida's wife by her maiden name, "would get mad, he's not gonna be there, can't have kids when you're not there. Problem solved." He sipped his colorless drink. "Y'know, I think we might end up being the only ones without kids, this keeps up." Urahara didn't point out that the only couple with kids in the new town were the Ishidas anyway.

"Kenpachi might beat us in that though. He's not even married." Urahara shrugged at his own logic.

"Bah, he's got that pink-haired freak as a daughter," was all Ichigo would say as he waved his hand in dismissal.

"Kisuke, you made it!" Rangiku, the bar's namesake bounded over, seeing that there was one customer she hadn't served/flirted with yet that evening.

Kisuke smiled, tilting his head back and holding onto his hat as he replied, "Of course I did! Why wouldn't I have?"

"Oh, you know, I thought you might have a hand in…planning…things?" She smiled coyly at him. "So, what'll it be to start you off?"

"I guess I'll have a pint of your best ale," he replied. "What else do I ever order?"

"How are those plans going anyway?" Rangiku questioned as she slid a mug to him. Kisuke shrugged. He really had no idea what Yoruichi and Rukia had schemed for the frantic Momo. He only filled out the orders.

"Well, well, well…If it ain't the man of the hour," Ichigo announced as an irritated Toshirou stalked in. "Thought you didn't want to be with us drunken fools?" The spiked tow-headed young man shot a seething look of disgust.

"I was thrown out of my own house." He fumed. "The women took it over, talking about paint colors, and fabrics…it was like the wedding all over again!" The menfolk groaned in unison, knowing what that pain felt like.

Bubbly Matsu put a hand to her chest (with minimal difficulty), "Aw, you're breakin' my heart…Gin enjoyed it, didn't you, Gin?" Matsu called to her significant other, who only smiled and waved after a pause and a sideways glance. She shrugged at his noncommittal response. "At least you don't have invitations!" She pointed out brightly.

Toshirou gave her a "You can't be serious" look. "_Yes_, actually, we _do_!"

Rangiku put her fingers to her mouth as if she had misspoken. "Well, why don't you pull up a chair anyway?" She encouraged. Toshirou sighed and tried to clamber on top of the stool next to Ichigo. Unfortunately, his diminutive height made it quite difficult, forcing him to brace his palms on the bar and lever himself up. He didn't notice he had an audience watching his every move.

"Need a ladder?" Urahara joked as Ichigo laughed. A vein twitched in Hitsugaya's forehead.

"Shut up," he snapped, head sinking on his arms crossed on the bar.

"So, what to drink, little Papa?" Rangiku asked. "Wait, you _are_ old enough to drink, right?" Her reply was a withering look. "Well, all right. Water, then?" She challenged.

"Whatever." Shiro-chan's arms answered.

"SIX KIDS!!!!!" Uryuu suddenly yelled from the other end of the bar, banging his hand on the table and startling the drowsing Shunsui. "I just can't—oh, _GOD_!"

Gin was there in a flash, signature grin on his face as he suggested, "Look on the bright side…she might be having twins." He wiggled his eyebrows as Ishida let out another moan and began banging his head on the wooden bar repeatedly.

"It's not funny! Just wait until you have kids!" Ishida shouted.

"But they already have twins!" Shunsui exclaimed happily. "Two beautiful, identical twins! Both of them!"

Gin's smile grew a little sharp. "Yes, and unfortunately, you won't be able to tell just _how_ beautiful and identical they are because—"

"I could be having…SEVEN," Ishida moaned as he counted on his fingers.

"Oi, Gin, stop scaring the poor boy!" Rangiku yelled from where she stood by the others. Gin blinked, shrugged at her and wandered off toward the back.

Toshirou blinked too, having witnessed the man reduced to tears, and murmured, "What was that little meltdown about?"

"Oh, Ishida just found out he's having another kid—"

"_Another_ one?!" Toshirou interrupted Urahara to exclaim. "Christ…." He swore under his breath, perhaps envisioning his own possible brood at the number. "I'd kill myself, I really would."

"Yeah, I was just telling Kisuke he needs to get out more often," Ichigo nodded towards Ishida who busily wiped his face under his glasses with his bandaged fingers. "Whatever you do, Toushiro, don't forget to come out at night...Or you could end up like him," once again nodding in Ishida's direction as a warning. The expectant papa nodded in agreement.

"Is having kids that bad?" Toushiro rhetorically posed. Of course, none of the young men had any idea of what becoming a new parent entailed. However they all had their own notions.

"I don't think it's a _bad_ thing…It's a_ busy_ thing…The more you have the busier you become," Kisuke shared.

"Yeah, maybe having SIX is that bad…" Ichigo suggested, "I mean I remember I'd have to watch my sisters sometimes. Two weren't bad. But six…."

"Diapers. Sleepless nights. Warming bottles. Diapers," Ishida looked at the bandages. "Working late. Extra money making….Diapers."

"What are you talking about? Children are a joy to have! Imagine, someone to get your slippers, someone to walk with, and play with…" Shusui said with a smile, lost in thoughts of little Nanaos assisting with his every beck and call. Rangiku saw Renji saunter in and greeted him with a mug of beer. Catching the tail end of the conversation, he decided to add his two cents.

"Have you ever had a pet, Shunsui?...I could do that with a pet dog," Renji retorted. He was silently met by waves and head nods, since most were busying themselves with their beverages. Shunsui clicked his tongue.

"Nanao-chan and I can't wait to start a family...or at least keep trying to start one, eh?" he joked. The men-folk laughed. No one could argue with that.

"No matter what anyone thinks of starting a family, I think it's always something to celebrate!" Rangiku said and brought out a large tray of shots for the house. As though trying to forget the sorrows of being a new parent for the sixth time, Ishida quickly grabbed a glass and poured the libation down handily. All present stared at the tailor in surprise.

"He's making up for lost time," Kisuke explained as Ishida grabbed another shot, downing it with the same quickness. Surely another shot couldn't hurt.

"Gin, get another round in honor of the proud papa and the papa-to-be!" Renji shouted. Gin swiftly accommodated the order.

Things were certainly jumping at the Bouncing Bosom. Round after round of shots were served. The patrons found themselves in various degrees of drunken disarray. Shunsui snored heavily with his head resting on the cradle of his folded arms atop the wooden table he shared with Ishida. The bespectacled tailor was joining Shunsui's snore in a chorus of buzzes and hisses. Hazy smiles adorned the faces of the four childless men, still sitting precariously on the bar stools.

"I neen do be gone soon..." Ichigo announced squinting at the clock on the wall, "Whad- dime is id?" He was met by silence as all four men squinted unsteadily at the same place as Kurosaki.

"One—durdy," Toushiro mumbled, his spiked head moving randomly about as if to balance itself on his neck, eyes slits of green as he read the fuzzy numbers on the clock.

"Naw…" Renji debated, "Id quadder to two," he said steadying himself with his hands that held a shot each like a balance scale.

"To two?" Ichigo queried to the band of men who shook their heads or rubbed their eyes for clarity. Renji finished the two fisted shot.

"Uh-huh…" he verified, "dah two," Renji nodded as Toushiro promptly fell to the floor. Renji squatted quickly by him to make sure nothing more than Toushiro's pride was injured.

The heavy thud of the little man was enough to rouse the two sleeping drunkards at the table. Their eyes opened momentarily and closed once again to continue their state of bliss. This state was short lived as a dark-haired woman with round glasses glinting upon her face made her way to the table and tapped the sleeping Shunsui on his shoulder.

"Nanao!" he suddenly chirped swaying back and forth as he stood, "Come, my Nanao-chan, come and give me a hug and kiss! Did you miss your Shunsui?" he said wavering back and forth to try to keep his balance and extending his fingers to meet and interlock with hers. The frowning Nanao on the other hand, had other plans for her fingers. They moved as quick as a flash step to capture the lobe of his ear and readily twisted it while in their possession. Shunsui's head bowed down towards Nanao's punishing pull. The sobering pain made him grimace as he tried to manage a disarming smile. It had no positive affect on the lovely Nanao.

"Ow! Nanao-chan. No, please not the ear pulling thing….I'm so sorry my sweet, sweet Nanao-chan," Shunsui was heard muttering as he was encouraged by her pull to leave the premises of the Bouncing Bosom at once.

He waved a farewell to any patron watching worrisomely as both disappeared out the door.

Ichigo looked around and scratched his head, puzzled. "Where'd he go? Did shorty already leave?" he asked in his confused state. Ichigo looked under the bar and caught sight of Renji who lifted Toushiro in his arms like a baby on to the barstool. The spiked headed lad was out cold, head resting on Renji's shoulder for support, arms dead at his sides. A happy grin formed on his face as he buried his head in Renji's chest. Renji gathered a napping Toushiro and placed his head and arms on the bar.

"Hitsiguya id out…I guess I'll bring him do hid home," Renji took Toushiro's arm and draped it across his neck for support. Ordinarily, this procedure would help to assist another person. However, Hitsugaya's arm didn't provide any support at all, as his height prevented his hand from even reaching Renji's shoulder. Renji was resigned to carry the little man out like a cradled child. He too waved goodbye and disappeared behind the door.

"I'm in drouble," Ichigo suddenly admitted, shaking his head. With Renji taking Toushiro home in that state, he somehow knew Rukia would be angry and Toushiro would not be spared either. Would she still be at Momo's house this late? It WAS late. "Are yout?" Ichigo added, head feeling like it was swirling in the whiskey shots he drank earlier.

"Nod unless my had comes back," Kisuke explained, replacing it neatly on the top of his head.

"Your had?" Ichigo repeated. Kisuke nodded his head and pointed to the striped green and white adornment at the top of his disleveled blonde hair.

He explained the tradition his father had taught him. "I'll dake it off and trow it in the door. If id stays, I can go in deh house. If id comes back, Yoruichi's _pissed _and I hafta sleep barn."

"Ah…." Ichigo stared at Urahara, expression telling him that he didn't get the point of the exercise. "If id werks….All righd. Bye, Ran-chan…Ishi-hic-maru." Matsu was slumped over the bar, giggling quietly to herself and gave a small wave somewhere to the left of them.

"Aa, Kurosaki, mind taking the tailor home?" Gin spoke up from where he crept up behind his incapacitated wife. "As a rule, we don't let people sleep here."

"Gin, honey!" Rangiku, who had noticed his presence, slurred and twisted, almost knocking him down with the force of her embrace, and pinned him against the opposite wall to smother the wickedly grinning man in kisses.

"Allrighd, dime do go," Ichigo decided, hefting Ishida up across his shoulders. Kisuke nodded swiftly in agreement and the trio left the couple to their own devices as they walked out into the night-time air.

"I'll get the bottle this time, Hime…." Ishida randomly announced from sleep.

"No, no boddle." Ichigo remarked down to him. "Damn, he's heavy for a scrawny guy!"

"How about diapers?...I can change diapers…." He continued, rambling on under his breath. Ichigo snorted in disgust.

"He's literally eating, sleeping…_drinking_ parenthood…." The orange haired man commented. "If dis is whad having kids does do ya, we ain't having any." Urahara had no response as they trudged off. They walked along in silence, effort to put one foot in front of the other hard enough without the distraction of speech.

"I dink you can just put him on their lawn…." Urahara pointed out. "Orihime'll find him…eventually….Or one of the kids will…." Ichigo shrugged and let the drunken tailor down from his shoulders more or less gently on the walk to the front door of Ishida's house.

After making sure he wouldn't roll into the gutter, they went on. Urahara's house was near the edge of the town, so he had a ways to go, and perhaps enough time to sober up enough so that his words weren't so horrendously massacred. Ichigo, however, had no such grace period. They were two houses down from where they deposited Ishida when Ichigo stopped and muttered, "Aw crap…." A minute figure stood silhouetted in his doorway, arms akimbo. "Dold you I'd be in drouble…." He sighed. "Well, see you tomorrow…." With all the gravity of a man being led to the gallows, he dragged his feet as he approached his tiny wife. "Honey, I'm…home…." He attempted to joke feebly. Rukia just glowered at him and moved over to let him inside the house. Ichigo sighed heavily and sent one last doom-laden glance over his shoulder at Kisuke before entering.

Urahara gave her a chipper wave and set off himself, not wishing to feel her gaze drilling itself into the back of his head. He was lost in thought as he recounted the conversations earlier about having kids and starting a family; it was always something he and Yoruichi talked about. But they never really discussed it deeply. Yes, they both wanted kids. But what if she wanted more than two? What if, like Hime, she wanted an army for the Urahara family? It sent shudders up his spine. Sooner or later he would have to face the facts.

First things first, though, as he rounded the corner. His home was not far now. He walked slowly, for the fact that he had to face at the moment was what would happen when he tossed his striped hat through the front door after he had opened it. Would it remain on the floor of his abode? Would it come sailing back? As he gradually ascended his front steps he took his beacon of hope off his head and held it tightly in his hand. He turned the key and quietly as it would allow opened the heavy wooden door. No light. No noise at all greeted him. He bit his lower lip and tossed his hat into the open doorway. He watched it sail into the darkness of his home. Urahara waited. He smiled. He knew what this meant. He advanced his way into the threshold.

But Urahara was suddenly greeted by a flying blur of green and white. The hat smacked into his face and lay at his feet. Fter a pause, staring at it, Urahara decided to try again_. Aww…No please don't be like that. Please._ He silently pleaded. He tossed it in again. He waited. This time, he was answered by a heavy sack. He _really_ knew what this meant.

Resigned to his punishment, Urahara sighed heavily and gathered up the sack and blanket that were to be his makeshift bed in the barn behind their house. He opened the barn-door. The thick, foul odor of hay and horse dung met him at the door. He cursed his stable-boy Jinta for doing such a poor job at keeping the barn fresh. Holding his bedding with one hand he opened his fan and began wafting the putrid smell away from his person. He looked for an open stall and quickly found one to the right of the door. Moonlight streamed in for a few moments through the barn door, but like any sign of hope, it stopped as soon as he shut it. He shuffled sadly at his smelly predicament making his way into the vacant stall. Trying to make the best of his situation he filled the sack with small handfuls of dry hay. His make-shift mattress was none too comfortable. He tossed and turned trying to find a spot where a twig would not stick his side or a rock would greet his back. Sleep finally fell upon the blonde haired storekeeper. He drowsed lightly and dreamlessly for awhile before a creaking noise disrupted his slumber.

His eyes fluttered open. He knew he had heard something. A rat perhaps? A stream of silvery light allowed him to see his striped hat seemingly float across the tops of the wooden stall gate. Through the slight darkness that obscured his view, he could make out the white stripes of his hat beginning to float slowly in his direction.

"Aw, babe, please…" he half-whined, thinking that she was angry enough to return the hat in person, as a proverbial slap in the face. He hadn't stayed out _that_ late, had he? Was she upset that he had had so much fun without her? "I think we get the…p…point…." He trailed off as the hat came to a stop right outside his stall, settled on top of Yoruichi's purple hair. Her bare shoulders were above the door as she rested her arms on the top of the wood, leaning against the paneling. Her calves were uncovered as well and as she swung the stall door open, Kisuke saw that those two parts were not the only ones unclothed.

She smirked at his shocked expression. "What? The hat came back." She advanced on him, predatory gleam in her yellow eyes.

"If that's going to be the case, I've got to stay out more often." He happily realized that Ichigo's theory of absentee-ism as a preventive measure for having children was, quite frankly, bullshit.

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IMBSA: YAY! Another one done! This was pretty fun to write, as well as try to figure out how the Shinigamis would mesh together in an old time setting. Oh, and I'm not promoting drunkenness, so don't complain about the substance abuse. Drinking is bad! Or, at least, in excess, as Nanao-chan could probably tell you. R & R plzkthnx.


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